4 Things I had to Unlearn as an international student in the US

What’s the first thing you do when you walk into a room of people? For me, it’s to greet them. So, when I met people who didn’t do this, I could not understand why. I would feel tense, thinking I had done something wrong - only for them to joyfully speak to me later.

There is no denying how much of an impact our environment has on us. Our practices are normal in the context of the societies we are brought up in. And while we may choose not to adopt some of them, we are still influenced by them, sometimes subconsciously.

I did not even question some of my habits until I was taken out of my bubble when I moved to the U.S. Meeting people with a completely different upbringing and background exposed me to new ways of thinking and living. I was forced to question my beliefs from the perspective of an outsider. Did I share them or were they just passed down to me?

I have come to see myself as moving along a stream; I will be moving either way. I could let the current move me along, or I could swim and control where I go. Not consciously directing my beliefs is tantamount to drifting away. 

Of course, many of my beliefs and customs have made me who I am. I respect the values that they promote and the role they play in the community I grew up in. However, I have come to find that some of them are hindrances to potential - especially in a new environment. By deciding what I want to keep and what I want to let go of, I become my own person.

Here are 4 of the biggest things I decided to let go of as an international student in the U.S:

1. Not conversing with elders

Respect for elders is a very important value that I will forever cherish. However, growing up, the customs around showing that respect did not involve having conversations. I could greet them and broadly answer their routine questions about school and how my family was doing, but that was it. 

In the U.S., it is extremely common for professionals to talk to those coming behind them. Professors hold office hours meant for individual interaction with students, and career people are open to setting up meetings to give advice. It took me an entire year and the constant encouragement of my academic advisor for me to start taking advantage of this opportunity.

Of course, there is a respectful boundary in terms of what can be talked about or not, but I have greatly benefited from building close connections with those ahead of me. 

2. Passive friendship

Even now, the beauty of meeting a fellow African often shines. Your common background feels like a deep bond that can sometimes lead to an instant connection. I have so many friends who I can go months and even years without talking to or being around, and we can pick up right where we left off.

I did not grow up seeing a prevalence of friend groups as here in the U.S. Especially in the context of school, there are some groups that do everything and go everywhere together. It highlighted to me the importance of creating time and space to connect deeply. I learned to ask people to lunch and schedule phone calls and hang outs. Those lessons have allowed me to connect with people who initially felt distant.

I've come to value healthy friendships more, especially after seeing the positive impact of investing time and effort into them

3. Avoiding vulnerability

I grew up thinking other people were not going through the struggles I was going through, especially as a growing Christian. It was not common, and sometimes even discouraged to talk about our struggles. There were many taboo topics like finances and mental health that I inherited discomfort around talking about.

While, of course, I can see why keeping some aspects of our life private can be wise, sharing some of them can be beneficial too. My first week in the U.S, I was initially shocked by what made for casual conversation. But I gained three big things: I knew I was not alone; I gained a safe space and sometimes I got great advice. My friends knew how to be there for me, and it led to a deeper connection.

Of course, there should still be some regulation, but I grew so much in a short period of time when I gave voice to the different aspects of my life.

4. Living for others

I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked, “What will other people think?” Our collective culture especially in African countries means we tend to be very invested in the lives of those around us. Many big personal developments spread throughout the community without any effort or intention. Thus, wondering what will be said about us can end up affecting our decisions.

I have never been one to deeply care about what other people say, but it was a conscious thought. I’ll admit that it tended to control certain things like what I said and what I wore. Living in a place as individualistic as the U.S. reinforced the importance of my uniqueness. Seeing other people unapologetically living their lives was infectious! I enjoyed the freedom that came with it.

At the end of the day, how you feel in the little moments of life is determined by the small decisions that make you happy

There are many aspects of my culture that I am choosing to keep, but these four, I decided to adapt. I have seen the benefit that they have had and their connection to the person I want to be. 

I decide the person I want to be, and so do you!

Is there anything that you are choosing to unlearn?